Cute But Psycho

Stressed

I am so unbelievably stressed out right now. I can't stop worrying about money. All of a sudden it feels like we are drowning in debt. And every time we turn around we get an unexpected huge bill that HAS to be paid. We just got a bill from the federal government. J cashed in a RSP that we forgot about, so we have to pay $700. This extra income has also reduced our monthly Child Tax Benefit to $7 from $56. I just feel like we can never get ahead. We just finished paying an unexpected $1350 for property taxes just before Christmas. That was our Christmas money. So Christmas went on credit. I was going to use my year end bonus to pay for Christmas, but then we got this government bill and I found out that J's Visa was WAY over limit. So Christmas is still on credit. We will be getting a tax return, but that needs to be saved for car and house insurance and property taxes in the summer. And I am about to lose more than half my income when I go on maternity leave. Peanut will have to come out of daycare as of March 1 instead of staying in through new baby's arrival as originally planned. I am so discouraged. I try SO hard to be good with our money, but I don't know where it goes. I do get a top up from work, but that and any savings from pulling P out of daycare early will need to be saved for living expenses. So again, no extra debt payments. Hopefully those funds will keep us from having to use credit for a little longer. I have cut back on some of our expenses, like TV channels and some phone services. I need to call my cell phone provider and see if I can save anything there.
I am not sleeping. I am lucky if I can sleep until 4 am. Then I am wide awake and stressing about money and new baby and how I will manage with 2 kids and everything else under the sun. I just can't turn my brain off. Then I am so tired and can't deal with things.
I still haven't heard anything from Manulife in regards to whether or not my short term disability has been approved. The last communication I had from them was at the beginning of December. I sent an email early last week, but haven't heard anything yet. I am very frustrated. A part of me doesn't want to contact them anymore. I guess that I feel like if I keep poking my head out, someone may take a shot. But I need to know because I have information at work that needs to be filled out. I should just put on my big girl panties and call.
I think Peanut has the flu. I should have got us the flu shot, but I didn't and now she is SO sick. She has been sleeping all day (and this kid does not sleep) and she has had a fever (38.8) all day so far. The poor thing is miserable. She is supposed to start swimming lessons tomorrow, but I think we will be skipping it!
Baby's room is coming together. I think we are pretty much prepared. Still need formula, bottles, and sleepers, but that is about it. I am hoping to breast feed this time, so I don't want to buy too much in the way of bottle feeding supplies initially. I do have to sterilize the breast pump and get some breast milk storage bags. I am starting to freak out a little - starting at the new born stage again is daunting to say the least! Sometimes I feel like I am wrecking our amazing family dynamic and screwing up our rhythms. I know that new baby will fit in (eventually) and that we will develop new routines, I am just nervous of the steep learning curve that is headed our way.
I am getting so tired of being pregnant! I have had a bladder infection for 3 MONTHS!, I am puking daily again and I am not hungry! My weight gain has also stopped. Part of me is happy - the neurotic part - and the rest of me is a little worried. I know I am supposed to be gaining weight for the baby. My doctor didn't say anything at my last appointment and I would think that if she was concerned, I would have heard about it.
Boy am I Debbie Downer! But that is what this journal is for I guess, a place to get it all down on paper.
Gahhhhhhh! I just want to ...

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Cute But Psycho

(no subject)

I am done work. I have been having painful contractions for a few weeks and my doctor finally said that I needed to be done work. I am only 23 weeks, it is way to early for this baby to come.
Work has been less than pleased that I am done. I had my doctor appointment last Friday. At that time she sent me to Labour and Delivery because she was worried about the contractions. She also gave me a note indicating that I needed to be done work. She didn't want me working anymore at all, but compromised and said that I could work part time for the next week. On my way to the hospital I texted/called my managers and let them know what the doctor said - that I could work for 1 more week, but after that I needed to be done work.
Everything went well at the hospital.
I went into work the next day for a half day. At that time I had another conversation with my manager and I told him that I could work part time for one more week then I would be done. He asked me to come in on Monday (my day off and speak to the branch manager). The doctor had given me a note stating the work limitations. I brought that in and he asked me to give it to the branch manager on Monday.
Monday morning I went in and spoke to the branch manager. I repeated the doctors orders. I said the doctor was filling out the short term disability paperwork and I would send it in on Tuesday. I repeated that this would be my last week. I provided the branch manager with the doctors note.
I had been in discussion with my managers over the previous week to co-ordinate training another individual to take over many of my duties. I had complied a list and showed it to the managers.
Tuesday I started work at 1pm. The person I was to train was there and I started to show her different things. I told one of the managers that I had lots to show her that day.
I was unexpectedly brought into the branch managers office and she proceed to chew me out for jumping the gun. She said that we didn't even know when my last day would be, and that I needed to consult with my managers before I started training. I was completely blindsided. I said to her that I was very confused as to why we were having this conversation. I thought that I had made it very clear as to what was happening. She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't have any information from my doctor - I told her that she would not be receiving that information as it wasn't any of her business. That information went directly to the insurance company that will (or will not approve) my short term disability. She also told me that the branch hasn't approved my absence. I told her that branch doesn't have that ability. My doctor has taken me off work and that is that.
She told me I needed to keep management in the loop - I told her that is what I thought I was doing. I apologized for any confusion.
After the conversation was over I asked to speak to my manager. I told him that I was very confused as to the conversation that just occurred. He again told me that the branch hadn't approved my absence. I said again that the branch doesn't have a say. If the doctor takes me off work, then the I am done. The only decision that comes now is whether or not my application for short term disability is approved. I also told him that I felt that he had not given me any support during the ass chewing that I just received.
I then worked out my schedule for the rest of the week with the manager. I also mentioned at that time that I was owed 2 days off in lieu for Thanksgiving and Remembrance Day.
A little while later I was called back into the branch manager's office. She told me not to be upset. She then offered for Tuesday to be my last day. I could just take the two in lieu days and be done, or they would pay me for them. I took them up on the offer, last day it is!

I am so torn. I feel like SUCH a professional failure at this branch. I have NEVER had problems like this at another branch. I feel like I am not good at my job any more. Maybe it is because I have a child now? It that why I struggle? I still work really hard, but my priorities are so different. Where does that leave me though? I guess I have over a year to decide. I don't know what I want.

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Cute But Psycho

Check in

I am now officially half way through my pregnancy! Everything seems to be going well, other than the crazy contractions I have been having. I was actually sat the hospital again last week (that makes it 4 times this pregnancy). I followed up with my OBGYN and she told me to take it easy. I laughed! I have a 3 year old and a ridiculous full time job, I don't get to take it easy. She did offer to put me on bed rest or recommend to my employer that I go part time! I think I will take her up on that sooner rather than later!

James got a raise and is up for another one in February. Things are looking up! I am finally starting to make some friends. I am so glad that this last year is now behind us. This has been one of the hardest times of my life.

We got a foot of snow today! I can't believe that it is only November 7 and it looks like January. I think this winter is going to be much more serious than the last one.

Things are kind of getting better at work. I say kind of but really it is still a disaster. I don't like the way the company is going, they keep cutting resources from the front line and expecting the same amount of work to be done by half the people. After my maternity leave I am really going to try to move out of the service aspect. Maybe try operations or sales. I am so grateful that I get a year off. I am so lucky to live in Canada!

Super Peanut is finally potty trained! That was such a long road, I thought for awhile there that she would always be in diapers. Now we just need to get her going to sleep on her own and staying in her own bed all night. I am worried because the count down is on. In a few months we will have a newborn again and I have horrible visions of NEITHER of them sleeping. Peanut was a difficult sleeper as an infant. I pray that this one will be a better sleeper!
We found out it is a boy! I am really excited, mostly because my intuition was right. I KNEW that our first was a girl and I KNEW that this was is a boy. I am a little sad that P will not have a sister, but it is great that we will have one of each. James doesn't seem to be as excited about this baby as he was the first go round. I am sure that once baby arrives he will be in love, but right now he seems a little distant in regards to the baby. I am apprehensive about having two. I am also scared about struggling with post partum depression again. We will be keeping P in daycare for the first couple of months so that should help keep her schedule somewhat on track and give me a chance to bond and sleep.

I am excited about what the next 6 months will bring!

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Cute But Psycho

Cautiously optimistic

Had my first real prenatal doctor visit today. The results were in for the bloodwork and my hormone levels are increasing as they should! I have my first ultrasound in just over 3 weeks. As long as that goes well, we will be good to go! I am certainly apprehensive, this early dating ultrasound was when we discovered last time that the pregnancy was ending.
The doctor was completely matter of fact. He doesn't see any problems or why this shouldn't be a completely normal pregnancy. He told me to just relax and enjoy. Easier said than done!
I just wish my job wasn't so stressful. We are currently very short staffed and with such a green team. I have been working 10 or 11 hour days with basically no breaks. I am so grateful that I have the rest of this week off and then 2 weeks of vacation! I just need to make it through the next 6 months or so and then I will have a year off!
I am thinking that I will not go back to my same role. I would ideally only go back part time. We will have to see how James' job goes, he needs a couple of raises!
I went a bought a pair of maternity shorts today. We are actually going to Mexico in September! Just like last time, we booked before I was pregnant. I'll actually be about as far along as I was last time too! Hopefully that bodes well for this pregnancy!
I certainly am having lots of early pregnancy symptoms. Nausea, bloating, headaches. As uncomfortable as they are, I am relishing the proof of this baby.
There is definitely stress about the way another baby will change our lives. Change is always good, it just isn't always easy. At least we have a 3 bedroom home. So much more room than our place in Vancouver!
Heading to bed, so exhausted!

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Cute But Psycho

Starting the circus again!

Well, I am pregnant again. I had some spotting and cramping on Saturday. Of course I freaked out. I went right to the doctor and he sent me to emergency. Some blood work later, and no news.
I went to our family doctor on Monday. He was actually positive. He doesn't seem to think that the situation is all that serious. I am going for blood work today. Back to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will have good news.
I am on bed rest for the week. If there is going to be another miscarriage, here is really nothing to do to prevent it. I can just take it easy and try not to stress too much.
I really want to be excited about another baby, just have to get to tomorrow.

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Cute But Psycho

Results

So I got the results for that medical procedure I had a couple of weeks ago. I have high grade changes in some of my cervical cells. It is pre-cancer. What a scary word.
In about 5 weeks I have to go back to the hospital and have the pre-cancerous cells removed. That tissue will be sent to the lab for further testing. After that I will have to be followed very closely to ensure that the pre-cancer doesn't return or turn into cancer.
I am so scared. I know this is relatively common and very treatable but the "What Ifs" are certainly going crazy.
I am in such a low risk demographic to begin with, I don't smoke, I don't drink. I just feel very unlucky right now when it comes to my health.
I am trying to keep the pity party to a minimum and rein in my worst case scenario thoughts.

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Cute But Psycho

Update

Things are starting to look up. I am so grateful that I don't have to work right now.
I am so unhappy at my branch. When I was going through the miscarriage I had called in sick one day. My branch manager called me and told me that regardless of what I was going through, I needed to come into work. If I had been farther along in my pregnancy, there is no way that would of happened.
I also had to have an additional, unrelated medical procedure. My direct reporting manager told me that I HAD to come in after the procedure because she needed to leave early because she was going out of town. There is no support there!
I did recently have a meeting with the regional vice president. She was very supportive. I shared my concerns with her, hopefully it won't turn around and bite me in the butt.
I am enjoying being home though. I made homemade oat and molasses bread today. I also started a sourdough starter. Surprisingly it takes a week to develop. Who knew? The bread I made today turned out quite well. It was super sticky dough, kneading it was difficult! I wasn't sure how it would turn out, I wasn't confident in the dough after the first kneading. Other than being a little crispy on the bottom, it is super yummy! The oven in this rental is so hot. I always have to adjust the baking time, but the first time I make a recipe, it is hard to judge.
I wish I could stay home more. Ideally I would like to work very part time. Maybe once we have two kids I will be able to work less. James just needs to make a little more money and we will be golden!

We have our pre-occupancy inspection on Monday! Super excited about seeing our finished home! We get the keys February 6. So soon!

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Cute But Psycho

Well...

I am currently on leave from work. I just have way too much going on. Aside from the miscarriage, the huge move and the new townhouse Chloe has scarlet fever for the second time in 3 months. I have strep throat, also for the second time in 3 months. I am so incredibly worried about Chloe's health.
There are very serious, life threatening complications that can result from scarlet fever. Her heart can be seriously damaged. We finally have been referred to a pediatrician. Hopefully now we can get a handle on her health.
I am off work until the second week of March. I am so torn about this. On one hand I am grateful that I have something taken off my plate. On the other had, a part of me thinks that I should just be able to deal with everything and thrive. But I am not Superwoman.
I am going to take this time and try to get myself in a better place. I have a referral to the Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic. I thought I was doing ok with the loss, but I guess that not dealing with something is not handling it.

I am just so tired of struggling.

Read more...Collapse )

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Cute But Psycho

I'm back!

Well has SO much changed AGAIN! We moved from one province to another. This means that we moved away from all our friends and family. It has been almost 5 months and they have been TOUGH.

James and I decided that we would start trying for another baby. I got pregnant right away, but something went wrong and I had a miscarriage. I am so heartbroken. I was only a couple of months along, but in my mind and in my heart I had two beautiful children. My pregnancy with Chloe was so normal, no complications, it didn't even cross my mind that something could go wrong. I had a dating ultrasound on December 15 and that was the first indication that something was not right. The baby was too small and the heart beat was too slow. I had to go for a couple of blood tests over the next few days. I had a second ultrasound on December 22. The radiologist came in right away and told us that there was no fetal cardiac activity. Sometime in that week, our baby had quietly passed away.
We had to start waiting for my body to start the process. Only it didn't. We went through Christmas waiting on pins and needles, but nothing happened. Finally on December 29 I went to my doctor and scheduled me for a D & C the next day.
I don't know what to do. This wasn't supposed to happen. There is a huge hole in my centre where this baby was.
The healing process is so hard.
James and I are going to start trying again soon. I know that I will be so anxious when I get pregnant again. I am not sure how I will make it through the first trimester.

On a lighter note, James and I bought a townhouse! We are starting to get excited, we get the keys on February 6. It is in the neighborhood that we wanted to be in. There is a lake with sailboats, fishing and kayaks. There is also a brand new school currently under construction. The amenities are awesome! It is also 5 minutes from my job (the job that I don't like very much, but that's a whole different post).

I finally got an iPhone and I have the LJ app. I am going to try to post more often. I need it.

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Cute But Psycho

(no subject)

 And another year has gone by.

Things got much worse before they got better.  The postpartum depression got really bad.  So bad in fact that I ended up in the hospital - at my own instigation.  It was so scary.  It was one of the best decisions that I ever made.
I saw a great psychiatrist for a number of months and he put me on a new anti-depressant which has made all the difference in the world.  I am no longer seeing the psych as I am "stable" now.  Well, as stable as I ever will be.  LOL.

Chloe is quickly approaching her 2nd birthday.  I can't believe how quickly the time has gone.  She is such an amazing little person.  She is so smart - she is starting to talk in full sentences now and she is very advanced physically.  Her motor skills are off the charts!  

We are starting to talk about having another baby.  Which is is simultaneously exciting and terrifying.  The thought of another newborn makes me want to melt, and then I remember how TIRED I was and how INTENSIVE newborns are.  But then I realize how quickly that time passes and then it gets easier and harder all at once.  I really want another baby, I think that we will start trying closer to the end of this year.  

I always forget how cathartic this journal is.  I really have to spend more time on myself, and I think this is one of those things I should concentrate on.
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