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This is my Life?
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Date:2013-01-18 14:15

I am so unbelievably stressed out right now. I can't stop worrying about money. All of a sudden it feels like we are drowning in debt. And every time we turn around we get an unexpected huge bill that HAS to be paid. We just got a bill from the federal government. J cashed in a RSP that we forgot about, so we have to pay $700. This extra income has also reduced our monthly Child Tax Benefit to $7 from $56. I just feel like we can never get ahead. We just finished paying an unexpected $1350 for property taxes just before Christmas. That was our Christmas money. So Christmas went on credit. I was going to use my year end bonus to pay for Christmas, but then we got this government bill and I found out that J's Visa was WAY over limit. So Christmas is still on credit. We will be getting a tax return, but that needs to be saved for car and house insurance and property taxes in the summer. And I am about to lose more than half my income when I go on maternity leave. Peanut will have to come out of daycare as of March 1 instead of staying in through new baby's arrival as originally planned. I am so discouraged. I try SO hard to be good with our money, but I don't know where it goes. I do get a top up from work, but that and any savings from pulling P out of daycare early will need to be saved for living expenses. So again, no extra debt payments. Hopefully those funds will keep us from having to use credit for a little longer. I have cut back on some of our expenses, like TV channels and some phone services. I need to call my cell phone provider and see if I can save anything there.
I am not sleeping. I am lucky if I can sleep until 4 am. Then I am wide awake and stressing about money and new baby and how I will manage with 2 kids and everything else under the sun. I just can't turn my brain off. Then I am so tired and can't deal with things.
I still haven't heard anything from Manulife in regards to whether or not my short term disability has been approved. The last communication I had from them was at the beginning of December. I sent an email early last week, but haven't heard anything yet. I am very frustrated. A part of me doesn't want to contact them anymore. I guess that I feel like if I keep poking my head out, someone may take a shot. But I need to know because I have information at work that needs to be filled out. I should just put on my big girl panties and call.
I think Peanut has the flu. I should have got us the flu shot, but I didn't and now she is SO sick. She has been sleeping all day (and this kid does not sleep) and she has had a fever (38.8) all day so far. The poor thing is miserable. She is supposed to start swimming lessons tomorrow, but I think we will be skipping it!
Baby's room is coming together. I think we are pretty much prepared. Still need formula, bottles, and sleepers, but that is about it. I am hoping to breast feed this time, so I don't want to buy too much in the way of bottle feeding supplies initially. I do have to sterilize the breast pump and get some breast milk storage bags. I am starting to freak out a little - starting at the new born stage again is daunting to say the least! Sometimes I feel like I am wrecking our amazing family dynamic and screwing up our rhythms. I know that new baby will fit in (eventually) and that we will develop new routines, I am just nervous of the steep learning curve that is headed our way.
I am getting so tired of being pregnant! I have had a bladder infection for 3 MONTHS!, I am puking daily again and I am not hungry! My weight gain has also stopped. Part of me is happy - the neurotic part - and the rest of me is a little worried. I know I am supposed to be gaining weight for the baby. My doctor didn't say anything at my last appointment and I would think that if she was concerned, I would have heard about it.
Boy am I Debbie Downer! But that is what this journal is for I guess, a place to get it all down on paper.
Gahhhhhhh! I just want to ...

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Date:2012-11-22 14:09

I am done work. I have been having painful contractions for a few weeks and my doctor finally said that I needed to be done work. I am only 23 weeks, it is way to early for this baby to come.
Work has been less than pleased that I am done. I had my doctor appointment last Friday. At that time she sent me to Labour and Delivery because she was worried about the contractions. She also gave me a note indicating that I needed to be done work. She didn't want me working anymore at all, but compromised and said that I could work part time for the next week. On my way to the hospital I texted/called my managers and let them know what the doctor said - that I could work for 1 more week, but after that I needed to be done work.
Everything went well at the hospital.
I went into work the next day for a half day. At that time I had another conversation with my manager and I told him that I could work part time for one more week then I would be done. He asked me to come in on Monday (my day off and speak to the branch manager). The doctor had given me a note stating the work limitations. I brought that in and he asked me to give it to the branch manager on Monday.
Monday morning I went in and spoke to the branch manager. I repeated the doctors orders. I said the doctor was filling out the short term disability paperwork and I would send it in on Tuesday. I repeated that this would be my last week. I provided the branch manager with the doctors note.
I had been in discussion with my managers over the previous week to co-ordinate training another individual to take over many of my duties. I had complied a list and showed it to the managers.
Tuesday I started work at 1pm. The person I was to train was there and I started to show her different things. I told one of the managers that I had lots to show her that day.
I was unexpectedly brought into the branch managers office and she proceed to chew me out for jumping the gun. She said that we didn't even know when my last day would be, and that I needed to consult with my managers before I started training. I was completely blindsided. I said to her that I was very confused as to why we were having this conversation. I thought that I had made it very clear as to what was happening. She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't have any information from my doctor - I told her that she would not be receiving that information as it wasn't any of her business. That information went directly to the insurance company that will (or will not approve) my short term disability. She also told me that the branch hasn't approved my absence. I told her that branch doesn't have that ability. My doctor has taken me off work and that is that.
She told me I needed to keep management in the loop - I told her that is what I thought I was doing. I apologized for any confusion.
After the conversation was over I asked to speak to my manager. I told him that I was very confused as to the conversation that just occurred. He again told me that the branch hadn't approved my absence. I said again that the branch doesn't have a say. If the doctor takes me off work, then the I am done. The only decision that comes now is whether or not my application for short term disability is approved. I also told him that I felt that he had not given me any support during the ass chewing that I just received.
I then worked out my schedule for the rest of the week with the manager. I also mentioned at that time that I was owed 2 days off in lieu for Thanksgiving and Remembrance Day.
A little while later I was called back into the branch manager's office. She told me not to be upset. She then offered for Tuesday to be my last day. I could just take the two in lieu days and be done, or they would pay me for them. I took them up on the offer, last day it is!

I am so torn. I feel like SUCH a professional failure at this branch. I have NEVER had problems like this at another branch. I feel like I am not good at my job any more. Maybe it is because I have a child now? It that why I struggle? I still work really hard, but my priorities are so different. Where does that leave me though? I guess I have over a year to decide. I don't know what I want.

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Date:2012-11-07 19:59
Subject:Check in

I am now officially half way through my pregnancy! Everything seems to be going well, other than the crazy contractions I have been having. I was actually sat the hospital again last week (that makes it 4 times this pregnancy). I followed up with my OBGYN and she told me to take it easy. I laughed! I have a 3 year old and a ridiculous full time job, I don't get to take it easy. She did offer to put me on bed rest or recommend to my employer that I go part time! I think I will take her up on that sooner rather than later!

James got a raise and is up for another one in February. Things are looking up! I am finally starting to make some friends. I am so glad that this last year is now behind us. This has been one of the hardest times of my life.

We got a foot of snow today! I can't believe that it is only November 7 and it looks like January. I think this winter is going to be much more serious than the last one.

Things are kind of getting better at work. I say kind of but really it is still a disaster. I don't like the way the company is going, they keep cutting resources from the front line and expecting the same amount of work to be done by half the people. After my maternity leave I am really going to try to move out of the service aspect. Maybe try operations or sales. I am so grateful that I get a year off. I am so lucky to live in Canada!

Super Peanut is finally potty trained! That was such a long road, I thought for awhile there that she would always be in diapers. Now we just need to get her going to sleep on her own and staying in her own bed all night. I am worried because the count down is on. In a few months we will have a newborn again and I have horrible visions of NEITHER of them sleeping. Peanut was a difficult sleeper as an infant. I pray that this one will be a better sleeper!
We found out it is a boy! I am really excited, mostly because my intuition was right. I KNEW that our first was a girl and I KNEW that this was is a boy. I am a little sad that P will not have a sister, but it is great that we will have one of each. James doesn't seem to be as excited about this baby as he was the first go round. I am sure that once baby arrives he will be in love, but right now he seems a little distant in regards to the baby. I am apprehensive about having two. I am also scared about struggling with post partum depression again. We will be keeping P in daycare for the first couple of months so that should help keep her schedule somewhat on track and give me a chance to bond and sleep.

I am excited about what the next 6 months will bring!

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Date:2012-07-18 21:10
Subject:Cautiously optimistic

Had my first real prenatal doctor visit today. The results were in for the bloodwork and my hormone levels are increasing as they should! I have my first ultrasound in just over 3 weeks. As long as that goes well, we will be good to go! I am certainly apprehensive, this early dating ultrasound was when we discovered last time that the pregnancy was ending.
The doctor was completely matter of fact. He doesn't see any problems or why this shouldn't be a completely normal pregnancy. He told me to just relax and enjoy. Easier said than done!
I just wish my job wasn't so stressful. We are currently very short staffed and with such a green team. I have been working 10 or 11 hour days with basically no breaks. I am so grateful that I have the rest of this week off and then 2 weeks of vacation! I just need to make it through the next 6 months or so and then I will have a year off!
I am thinking that I will not go back to my same role. I would ideally only go back part time. We will have to see how James' job goes, he needs a couple of raises!
I went a bought a pair of maternity shorts today. We are actually going to Mexico in September! Just like last time, we booked before I was pregnant. I'll actually be about as far along as I was last time too! Hopefully that bodes well for this pregnancy!
I certainly am having lots of early pregnancy symptoms. Nausea, bloating, headaches. As uncomfortable as they are, I am relishing the proof of this baby.
There is definitely stress about the way another baby will change our lives. Change is always good, it just isn't always easy. At least we have a 3 bedroom home. So much more room than our place in Vancouver!
Heading to bed, so exhausted!

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Date:2012-07-17 11:54
Subject:Starting the circus again!

Well, I am pregnant again. I had some spotting and cramping on Saturday. Of course I freaked out. I went right to the doctor and he sent me to emergency. Some blood work later, and no news.
I went to our family doctor on Monday. He was actually positive. He doesn't seem to think that the situation is all that serious. I am going for blood work today. Back to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will have good news.
I am on bed rest for the week. If there is going to be another miscarriage, here is really nothing to do to prevent it. I can just take it easy and try not to stress too much.
I really want to be excited about another baby, just have to get to tomorrow.

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Date:2012-01-31 16:38

So I got the results for that medical procedure I had a couple of weeks ago. I have high grade changes in some of my cervical cells. It is pre-cancer. What a scary word.
In about 5 weeks I have to go back to the hospital and have the pre-cancerous cells removed. That tissue will be sent to the lab for further testing. After that I will have to be followed very closely to ensure that the pre-cancer doesn't return or turn into cancer.
I am so scared. I know this is relatively common and very treatable but the "What Ifs" are certainly going crazy.
I am in such a low risk demographic to begin with, I don't smoke, I don't drink. I just feel very unlucky right now when it comes to my health.
I am trying to keep the pity party to a minimum and rein in my worst case scenario thoughts.

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Date:2012-01-25 20:28

Things are starting to look up. I am so grateful that I don't have to work right now.
I am so unhappy at my branch. When I was going through the miscarriage I had called in sick one day. My branch manager called me and told me that regardless of what I was going through, I needed to come into work. If I had been farther along in my pregnancy, there is no way that would of happened.
I also had to have an additional, unrelated medical procedure. My direct reporting manager told me that I HAD to come in after the procedure because she needed to leave early because she was going out of town. There is no support there!
I did recently have a meeting with the regional vice president. She was very supportive. I shared my concerns with her, hopefully it won't turn around and bite me in the butt.
I am enjoying being home though. I made homemade oat and molasses bread today. I also started a sourdough starter. Surprisingly it takes a week to develop. Who knew? The bread I made today turned out quite well. It was super sticky dough, kneading it was difficult! I wasn't sure how it would turn out, I wasn't confident in the dough after the first kneading. Other than being a little crispy on the bottom, it is super yummy! The oven in this rental is so hot. I always have to adjust the baking time, but the first time I make a recipe, it is hard to judge.
I wish I could stay home more. Ideally I would like to work very part time. Maybe once we have two kids I will be able to work less. James just needs to make a little more money and we will be golden!

We have our pre-occupancy inspection on Monday! Super excited about seeing our finished home! We get the keys February 6. So soon!

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Date:2012-01-13 21:52

I am currently on leave from work. I just have way too much going on. Aside from the miscarriage, the huge move and the new townhouse Chloe has scarlet fever for the second time in 3 months. I have strep throat, also for the second time in 3 months. I am so incredibly worried about Chloe's health.
There are very serious, life threatening complications that can result from scarlet fever. Her heart can be seriously damaged. We finally have been referred to a pediatrician. Hopefully now we can get a handle on her health.
I am off work until the second week of March. I am so torn about this. On one hand I am grateful that I have something taken off my plate. On the other had, a part of me thinks that I should just be able to deal with everything and thrive. But I am not Superwoman.
I am going to take this time and try to get myself in a better place. I have a referral to the Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic. I thought I was doing ok with the loss, but I guess that not dealing with something is not handling it.

I am just so tired of struggling.

Read more...Collapse )

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Date:2012-01-10 21:25
Subject:I'm back!

Well has SO much changed AGAIN! We moved from one province to another. This means that we moved away from all our friends and family. It has been almost 5 months and they have been TOUGH.

James and I decided that we would start trying for another baby. I got pregnant right away, but something went wrong and I had a miscarriage. I am so heartbroken. I was only a couple of months along, but in my mind and in my heart I had two beautiful children. My pregnancy with Chloe was so normal, no complications, it didn't even cross my mind that something could go wrong. I had a dating ultrasound on December 15 and that was the first indication that something was not right. The baby was too small and the heart beat was too slow. I had to go for a couple of blood tests over the next few days. I had a second ultrasound on December 22. The radiologist came in right away and told us that there was no fetal cardiac activity. Sometime in that week, our baby had quietly passed away.
We had to start waiting for my body to start the process. Only it didn't. We went through Christmas waiting on pins and needles, but nothing happened. Finally on December 29 I went to my doctor and scheduled me for a D & C the next day.
I don't know what to do. This wasn't supposed to happen. There is a huge hole in my centre where this baby was.
The healing process is so hard.
James and I are going to start trying again soon. I know that I will be so anxious when I get pregnant again. I am not sure how I will make it through the first trimester.

On a lighter note, James and I bought a townhouse! We are starting to get excited, we get the keys on February 6. It is in the neighborhood that we wanted to be in. There is a lake with sailboats, fishing and kayaks. There is also a brand new school currently under construction. The amenities are awesome! It is also 5 minutes from my job (the job that I don't like very much, but that's a whole different post).

I finally got an iPhone and I have the LJ app. I am going to try to post more often. I need it.

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Date:2011-04-13 21:04
Mood: happy

 And another year has gone by.

Things got much worse before they got better.  The postpartum depression got really bad.  So bad in fact that I ended up in the hospital - at my own instigation.  It was so scary.  It was one of the best decisions that I ever made.
I saw a great psychiatrist for a number of months and he put me on a new anti-depressant which has made all the difference in the world.  I am no longer seeing the psych as I am "stable" now.  Well, as stable as I ever will be.  LOL.

Chloe is quickly approaching her 2nd birthday.  I can't believe how quickly the time has gone.  She is such an amazing little person.  She is so smart - she is starting to talk in full sentences now and she is very advanced physically.  Her motor skills are off the charts!  

We are starting to talk about having another baby.  Which is is simultaneously exciting and terrifying.  The thought of another newborn makes me want to melt, and then I remember how TIRED I was and how INTENSIVE newborns are.  But then I realize how quickly that time passes and then it gets easier and harder all at once.  I really want another baby, I think that we will start trying closer to the end of this year.  

I always forget how cathartic this journal is.  I really have to spend more time on myself, and I think this is one of those things I should concentrate on.

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Date:2010-05-01 13:26
Subject:Almost a year

 I can't believe it has been almost a year since I last updated my journal.  I took a quick look trough my friends list and it looks like many of them haven't posted in ages either.

On Wednesday August 5, 2009 James and I had our little girl - Chloe.  She was about a month early - but she was and is perfect!  Labour was both worse and better than I thought.  I was in labour for almost 2 days and boy did it HURT!!!  But we all got through it with flying colours and I have already mostly forgotten exactly how much it hurt.  

Things have been interesting since then - I have been struggling with some form of post partum depression and it hasn't always been easy.  James and I have never fought so much in the almost 10 years we have been together.  I am going to go to the doctor next week and see what she recommends.

I have the urge to start a food blog - I cook so much and it is hard to keep track of the recipes that I love.  I am just not sure if I would have time!!   

Anyway - need to run - going to my dance class soon and have to get ready. 

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Date:2009-05-16 19:44
Subject:I think I may have done too much today
Mood: uncomfortable

I have had a very busy day today. 

I got up early because we were having our new mattress delivered today.  We had to get the old mattress ready to go.
Then I cleaned the house.
Then I cleaned the apartment building - vaccumed, cleaned mirrors, cleaned the laundry rooms, and swept up outside.
Then I did 3 loads of laundry and went grocery shopping.
When I got home I remade the new bed ( which is BEAUTIFUL by the way - it is so tall and comfy!!) and lay down for 1/2 an hour.
When I got up I made chocolate chip cookies (they turned out super yummy!!) and then I made dinner (not as yummy).
Now my back and legs are DONE!  

I am watching Cops right now and laughing at all the idiots out there.  Holy cow - how do people like this manage to function?  Not very well apparently.

I am getting big and the baby is starting to kick really hard.  You can see my stomach move now when she moves around.  We started our prenatal classes last week.  It is a pretty big class - I wish it was a little smaller - I always get intimidated in a large group of people.  I am happy to get all the information possible.  I am one of those people who need as much information as I can get my hands on.  I like to know things in advance.  The only thing that I am VERY apprehensive about is watching the birthing video.  My fear is bordering on a phobia.  I guess the best thing for a phobia is to confront it.  I need to watch the video, but I am so scared.  At least James will be there.  

I have been getting really bad heartburn and burps.  It can be very embarrassing when I am out in public - LOL - not very ladylike at all!!

I am nervous about becoming a mother - everything is nerve wracking.  What if I don't love the baby?  What if I am a terrible mother?  What is going to happen to my relationship with James?  How are we going to afford this?  I am starting to seriously stress about money - but I don't want to bother James - he is stressed enough.  I am sure that we will be fine - we will figure it out.  I am just so tired of being broke.  
Enough bitching.

I am going to go and have a couple of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.  That will improve my outlook!!

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Date:2009-04-19 10:09
Subject:We are having a Girl!!

We found out last Wednesday that we are having a girl!!  We are very excited - James wants to go out and buy a shotgun right away. 

I went and heard my niece (James' sister's daughter) sing last night.  She is SO talented!  I had never really heard her sing before and I was blown away. 

I don't really have anything else to say - I just thought that I would share my news!!!

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Date:2009-04-11 08:08

Okay so its been a LONG time since I've updated! 

We went to Mexico and had a great time!  I am so glad that we went - it was nice to spend time together before all of the upcoming changes. 
The pregnancy is going well - I am officially halfway through - and getting quite the bump. 

www.facebook.com/album.php - this is the first album of our Mexico vacation
www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=109623&id=689321180&l=f849122f59 - this is the second album

www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2975072&l=c901fc727f&id=689321180 - this picture is the most recent bump picture.

www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=116800&id=689321180&l=009e095c29 - these are the most recent ultrasound pictures

I have been placed on bed rest for the weekend.  I get 3 days off - but I have to park my butt on the couch for the duration.  No activity of any kind for me.  I had a bit of a scare yesterday morning - but everything checked out fine at the hospital.   

We had our second ultrasound a couple of weeks ago - everything looked great, but as the baby was not co-operating we go back for another one next Wednesday.  Yay!  We weren't able to find out the sex last time - so hopefully we will be able to see what we are having this time.  

I think we have narrowed our name selection down - 
    Liam or Jacob or Alec if its a boy
    Abigail or Emma if its a girl.
We like all the really popular names and I don't really want my child to have the same name as half the people in their class.  Any cool name ideas from anyone will be greatly appreciated!

I have less than 4 months left at work.  I am certainly looking forward to a year off!  My manager is still frustrating and annoying.  Very much the micro-manager.  I feel like we are treated like children - we aren't trusted at all and we need to be constantly supervised.  I am 30 years old - I think that I am mature enough to ensure I do my job well and properly.  Not everyone at work has that ability, but I certainly do.  Oh well - I am almost free!

We bought our stroller!  The brand is UppaBaby - very cool and easy to drive.  We still have so much to buy - it is hard to know what we will need and what will be wasted.  We are going to go with the philosophy that we don't really need much - and then add as needed.

Things are good - so many changes already and so many more to come.  Its unbelievable where a year will take you!

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Date:2009-01-17 15:36
Mood: lazy

 I am home sick from work today - a combination of insomnia, morning sickness, and some laziness.  I am really starting to feel pregnant now.  I am 8 weeks and the nausea is here and so is the bloating.  The best way to describe it is a constant hangover - upset stomach, headache, indigestion, tiredness.  I am enjoying it though - for the most part.
We just had our second prenatal appointment.  Everything seems to be going well.  

We have finally finished our renovations.  We hired someone to paint and we got our new shower/tub.  Our apartment looks so nice!  We re-arranged the furniture to give us more room and bought some more space efficient furniture.  Getting all ready to add another person into our tiny house!

Our trip to Mexico is coming soon.  Just over a month to go!  I am getting excited!  I got the greatest luggage for Christmas.  It is Giraffe print!  No more trying to figure out which is your black suitcase from the 100's of others on the carousel.  It is so cute!  I can't wait to use it!

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Date:2008-12-28 10:19
Mood: nauseated

 I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!!

The snow has finally stopped here and now it is melting.  There is water EVERYWHERE!  Roofs are collapsing, basements are flooding, and the roads are like lakes.   The city is just a mess.

I am doing laundry and trying to clean the house, but we have crap everywhere.  James and I need to go through this place and get rid of everything that we don't need - we need to make room for the baby.  

I have my next midwife appointment on January 14 - and then we are going for a dating ultrasound on February 18.  That will let us know exactly how far along I am and when exactly I am due.  

We are going to Mexico on February 20!!  We were originally supposed to leave on Feb 24, but our travel agent called the other day and told us that the flight we were booked on had been discontinued.  We had the option of either leaving on Feb 20 or getting our money back - we changed our holiday.  We have never been on a vacation in the 7 years we have been together - and James has never been anywhere tropical - basically never had a vacation before!

I need to go and change over the laundry!

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Date:2008-12-21 19:49
Subject:Long time no post!
Mood: indescribable

Wow has it been awhile!

Things have been very eventful in my life since the last time I posted.

It worked!!!!  I am pregnant!!!

I am about 5 weeks now - due August 27, 2009.  I am so shocked - it feels like it took no time at all.  We were counting on it taking a little longer than it did.  The night before we found out James was telling me how he was convinced that he was infertile.  Not so much!!

And in other momentous news - my sister is 10 weeks pregnant!  2 babies!

We have actually booked a holiday - we are going to Huatulco, Mexico on February 20 for 8 days.  We booked the trip before I found out I was pregnant - but it shouldn't really make a difference - just no tequila shots!  We are staying at Las Brisas Huatulco - its a 5 star resort and we even upgraded to the "exclusive" section.  We also splurged and are flying business class.  I am glad that we spent the extra - this will be the last holiday like this for a long time!  We might as well do it right!

I have to say that I a more than a little freaked about becoming a mother.  I am worried about how we are going to be able to afford this and how we are going to have a baby in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment.  I know that we will figure it out and everything will work out - but it is still nerve wracking.  
I haven't been feeling too bad.  Not too much nausea.  I think it might get worse though.  I didn't feel very good today - pretty queasy.  As long as I am eating pretty constantly I seem to be okay.  I just need to be careful about not gaining to much weight - I want to be a cute pregnant lady!

It has been SO cold here lately.  The average temp for this time of the year is about 6 degrees C.  For the last 10 days or so the high has been about -4 degrees C.  It has been snowing all day today - and we are in charge of shoveling it.  Not so much fun.  At least we are going to have a white Christmas.  

My job is going okay.  I got a promotion that started December 1.  I am not enjoying it all that much - but I am trying to give it a decent chance.  And now that I am pregnant (that sounds SO weird to say in my head let alone type), it doesn't really matter.  I just need to get through the next 7 months or so. 

It is so surreal that over the last year I went from the reality of never having children, to my husband telling me that after 20 years of not wanting children that he wants them, to deciding to try to get pregnant, to actually being pregnant.


I need to go and put outdoor clothes on and get ready to shovel some snow.

I am going to make a concerted effort to post more often now.  I'll see if I can post any pictures of ultrasounds when we get them!

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Date:2008-09-22 09:54
Subject:Baby Making and Catching Up
Mood: hopeful

 So we are almost at the end of our first official month of "trying".  I have the suspicion that this may get stressful on my end.  And that I might feel like a failure at the end of every month that I don't get pregnant.  
I am really trying to just enjoy the whole process.  The "trying" part is fun at least ;)

But boy is it weird that after my entire sexual life to this point has been spent in the quest NOT to get pregnant - we have thrown the whole birth control preoccupation out the window and we are actively trying to achieve the opposite.  Hard to wrap your head around it!

And in the weirdest of coincidences my sister and her boyfriend are also trying!  My sister and I always wanted to have kids at the same time when we were younger, but with James' previous no children outlook we thought that was impossible.  But now we are actually on the same page!

This has really been the month of computers.  We recently purchased a 24 inch Apple iMac.  The monitor is HUGE but I am enjoying the switch from PC to Mac.  I really like the way everything is laid out and the ease of using it.  I am struggling a bit with some of the Office applications, but everything else is pie.  We also just received our Eee PC from Asus.  It was a free promotion from our bank - a free mini Laptop!  We are very much enjoying the portability.  And it has a game  - Frozen Bubble"  that I LOVE!

James is going sturgeon fishing this week.  He is leaving tonight and will be home on Wednesday.  I am looking forward to having the bed to myself for 2 nights!  But I will miss him - I hate being separated.  I know that's sappy but still...

We are heading up to Vernon in October to take a look at neighbourhoods and houses/apartments.  I want to get a better idea of where we want to live once we are up there.  What we are thinking now is that we will most likely keep our place down here and rent it out - the rental market is so huge right now that we can probably get more than enough rent right now to make it a good idea to keep this place.  And the market is softening so much that I don't want to sell this place for not enough money - we need every cent that we can get our hands on!

Things are really positive in our lives right now - stressed about money but that is almost a given.  So much possibliity and the future seems endless!  There are so many changes coming in the next year or so - its exciting but scary too!

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Date:2008-08-17 12:42
Subject:Cause I have to tell SOMEBODY!!
Mood: ecstatic

So James and I were camping last weekend.  We were sitting by the fire and all of a sudden James tells me that he wants a baby.  

After 20 odd years of not wanting children - he has done a 180 and now wants to be a father.

I am totally shocked and completely excited.  I was willing to not have children because I love him so much and want to spend forever with him and now I get BOTH!!!!

We are going to wait a couple of months before trying (or it may have already happened - yay for camping).  The wait will give us a chance to get back to the gym and get as healthy as possible before we try to get pregnant.

I did tell my mom the day after we got back from camping.  She is pretty excited - she has a bad case of granny envy!

But the strangeness doesn't stop there - I had dinner with my Mom, sister, and sister's boyfriend the other night and my sister and her boyfriend have decided to start trying to get pregnant too!  My sister and I always said that we wanted to have babies at the same time but after the last 7 years we haven't really gone there because of James not wanting kids.  

I am so blown away.

James and I talked about it again last night.  My big insecurity right now is that he is going to turn around and say that he has changed his mind.  I don't know how I would handle it.  We talked about that and James reassured me that this is something he really wants.  When I asked him what made him change his mind he said that he is getting older and sees how so not horrible parenthood can be.  He also said that he was never ready for that kind of responsibility and that now he is.  
We talked about baby names (Emma or Jacob are the front runners right now!), but we should probably get pregnant first!  

We aren't telling anyone - I am up for a promotion at work and I don't want to jeporadize that - and who knows how long it might take to conceive.  

James needs to talk to his mum and sister too before anyone else knows.  I think that they will have a hard time with the news because James has been so anti-children for so many years.  I am sure that his mum will find some way to blame me for this change of heart.  Hopefully though they will just be very happy.


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Date:2008-07-13 14:26
Mood: crazy

 I have got to be the most boring person ever!  Nothing much has happened in the last month.  

James has told me that he wants to move to Vernon and become a mortgage broker.  
History:  My Dad lives in Vernon and is a mortgage broker (he owns his own company).  He wants us to move up there and learn to be mortgage brokers and take over his business one day.  
I can most likely transfer to the bank up there with little or no problems.  So I guess we are moving.  We still need to talk about the whole thing some more though.  I am going to have some conditions - like we will buy a house - no more of this apartment crap.  Maybe something with a basement suite.  And I want a dog.  And a vegetable garden.  And a whole list of other things that I haven't come up with yet.  ;).

I am starting a bunch of new training at the bank next week - I am training for a week for the Account Services Representative position and then for about a week or so for the Customer Assistance Offier (reception) position.  I want to be as valuable an employee as possible - I need to make more money and I need more hours.  Hopefully I will be able to get a full time work arrangement soon - I would like to quit the pub.  Working 6 days a week is tiring and I am ready to go back to having 2 days in a row off!.

Now we just have to finish fixing up our apartment and put it on the market.  NOT fun!

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